It’s September 11, 2015. As most of Americans were flooding the internets with 911 commemorates, memes, and sound-bytes, God got out of bed, dropped the proverbial morning deuce and then proceeded to blast the heavens with Tom Araya’s rage engulfed vocal chords.

The world is full of tragic events, memories, and spiraling bloodshed. Humans are clinging on to their American flags, their bibles, and mourning the human losses of a tragic event that occurred on this day over a decade ago. And yet, only one group of human beings managed to peak Big Guns Upstairs’ radar; The Fucking Glory that is known as SLAYER!

As a testament to the powerful airwaves that ride Earth’s digital delivery trucks, Slayer chose to orchestrate to the world what The Lord Almighty has written down on his list of priorities today:

  1. Listen to the new Slayer album (Repentless) now available on iTunes and Spotify!
  2. Delete spam folder of all human prayers
  3. Re-Stock the Divine fridge with Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
  4. Send Mother Nature a memo to fuck with people across the globe
  5. Repeat

It’s no longer a secret that people have been very confused with regards to the religious aspect of worship; donating stupid amounts of money to churches, singing while holding hands, and caring for one another.  Well folks, today love is out and vengeance is in!

Do you think ISIS members are waking up listening to Philip Glass before they behead another human wearing the nicely folded orange jumpsuit (courtesy of Guantanamo Bay)? No, they are not; they have Slayer on repeat…

Do you think when Soldiers across the globe are marching with their cannons, maiming foreign humans and spraying bullet-burritos in the form of hellfire drone strikes, they are pondering the pasty lyrics of Drake or Lil’ Wayne?  No, they are not; they have Slayer on repeat…

It’s not a coincidence that if you want to blast another being into the next future, you do the proper ritual that you owe to your blood-thirsty appetite; you listen to Slayer.  Aferall, God listens to Slayer, and he orders the death of everything.  Literally.  Yet the sad reality is, if all these humans were to find out that their enemies are also listening to this glorious metal, they would all link arms, forget their differences, and join forces in order to raid the cosmos and rape aliens.

And at this very moment, while you’re reading this here article, Slayer’s new album Repentless is currently being etched in the heavens as the new 1st commandment, and BTW Moses is NOT throwing a fit; the dude understands.  So much so, that he’s foaming at the mouth, holding his stick with a vice grip, while texting God in his other hand, requesting permission to send his ancient wood-piece down onto Earth, in the form of a 3-headed python blowing fire and clamping its’ fangs into the heads of pathetic humans across the land and seas.

Now let us briefly dissect this celestial event; all your favorite prophets were soundly sleeping off their hangovers when the larger-than-universal-mass PA system smashed their REM cycles with the album intro Delusions of Savior…at that moment they all woke up with the force of 5 lions, threw away their now wet blankets and ran to God’s foyer, hi-fiving their guest Jeff Hannaman (RIP) and head-banging, while Jesus moonwalked throwing Metal signs with his telekinetically charged hands.

And as you listen to the fast paced Thrash packed album beginning with Repentless, and follow through, up until you slam head-first into Implode, you realize that Tom Araya’s shattering vocals are slowly melting off the very facial hairs that you woke up to shave today (and for that you thank him).  Jam packed with War-Ensemble’esq [SIC] thrash riffs, and Divine Intervention verbal projections, you can’t help but also notice the crammed ear-screeching solos as you bang out to You Against You and wonder how beautifully close this particular track comes to Chemical Warfare anally expunging Die By The Sword.

Needless to say, this is SLAYER, in the fucking flesh, ripping every shred of guitar fiber on Earth, with an album that eloquently wraps their entire catalogue in resemblance, from Show No Mercy up until Divine Intervention; Because let’s face it, Slayer were mostly fucking with/teasing their fans ever since post-undisputed attitude.      

So as all you mortal Earthlings go about your weekend, just remember one thing: God listens to Slayer, and so should you.

Fadi Malkosh

Author: Fadi Malkosh

Fadi Malkosh is the founder of Network Radio.